Lesson One on the "if only" series was about "rewinding". We all have times and events where we wish that we could do a "rewind". We would love to go back and have a "do over". If only ....
Below is the outline of the message. The slides are the "highlight" point. In between the slides, you will see some questions and some of my main talking points. The message time is intended to be interactive.
Slide 1: Bottom Line: Yesterday’s regrets affect today.
My Regrets …… (jeff example)
I know these stories aren’t unique to me. Many of you could probably tell your own story—when you did something you wish you hadn’t. Looking back, it seems like such an obvious mistake. If only you’d known then what you know now, you never would have done whatever it is you did. But at the time, you had no idea your actions, words or neglect would forever fall into a category of life called “regret.”
Slide 2: Regret is simply feeling sad or sorry about something in life that has already happened.
There are things you didn’t do that you wish you did do. It’s the word that wasn’t spoken. It’s the action that wasn’t taken. When you have this kind of regret, you say, “If only I could go back, I wouldn’t have stood by and watched. I would’ve been more active and done something to make the situation right!”
Question: Have you ever had an embarrassing moment—something you wish you could go back and undo?
We’ve all done stupid things. Some of those things are hilarious to us now, things where no real harm was done. But for many of us there is a level of regret that goes well beyond that—our regrets make us sad or sorry. We were a part of something then that upsets us now. Some of those memories aren’t so funny anymore.
Question: What’s the difference between something embarrassing that you can remember and laugh about and something that makes you sad or sorry?
I’ve talked to students who regret the first time they took drugs or had sex. I’ve talked to some who’ve spent time in horrific juvenile detention centers for sizeable mistakes. I’ve talked to some who’ve seen friends die or injured because of something that happened on one, isolated, regrettable night. And I’ve talked to some who can’t fight back tears simply because they were a part of something that left them—or someone else—in physical, spiritual or emotional pain. They feel sorry now for having done something in the past.
Slide 3 “Anything not resolved in your past is always seeking to find some way to express itself in your present.” —Jan and David Stoop (from Saying Goodbye to Disappointments)
That is the crazy thing about regret. It doesn’t just sit back in some far, distant corner of your memory.
Question: What is something that made you sad or sorry when you were really little? Can you remember a story?
Slide 4: When not dealt with, regret is always showing up in your present in some way or another.
I still have regret in my own life today. I hate messing things up. I feel like I should know better. So when I have regret over something from the past, I have the tendency to beat myself up over it. That is one way my past decisions effect my present. I can’t let go of my mistakes, so I carry around this shattered confidence, telling myself, “I didn’t think I was capable of doing something so bad or stupid. How did that happen?”
Maybe you can relate. Maybe you know the feeling. Maybe you are stuck in the same pattern of messing things up, and then living under the weight of this regret and you aren’t sure how to break out of the cycle. If so, you aren’t the only one.
For some of you, regret gets much more serious than that. Some of you carry emotional scars today because of a relationship you were in years ago. Some of you feel overwhelming guilt today because of something you failed to do or say months ago. Some of you are minus a friend or two today because of hurtful things you said weeks ago. Some of you regret something you said to your mom or dad minutes ago.
Question: How does regret change as we get older?
In the Old Testament there is a story about a guy named Joseph who was on the receiving end of some poorly made decisions. The story of Joseph starts with a coat. The coat was a gift from his dad, Jacob, but it was more than just a nice piece of fabric. To all of Joseph’s brothers, all eleven of them, this coat represented some obvious favoritism. This coat was just an outward symbol of what Joseph and all of his brothers already knew, that he was his father’s golden child. As you can probably imagine, his brothers didn’t like this. This coat caused some serious sibling rivalry. They felt threatened, jealous and fed up. They wanted to do something about their annoying brother. So they did.
Slide 5: Genesis 37:32-36
Years pass and there is a huge famine. This famine is so big that not only is Egypt affected, but the land of Canaan as well. It doesn’t take long before Joseph’s family starts to run out of food. So Jacob sends his sons, all except Benjamin, his youngest, to Egypt to bring back more food. Can you guess where this story is headed? That’s right. In order to get the food they require, Joseph’s brothers must appeal to Joseph himself. But the brothers don’t know it’s him. They have no idea Joseph has ended up in Egypt. They
think he died a long time ago. But Joseph recognizes his brothers and decides not to reveal his identity.
And then something crazy happens. As Joseph starts to talk with them, pretending to learn their story for the first time, they make a reference to Joseph himself. They tell Joseph about their father, about Benjamin left at home, and then they say they have one more brother who is “no more.” So Joseph, still incognito, tells his brothers that he will give them food, but they have to come back with Benjamin first. And do you know what their response is?
Slide 6: Genesis 42:18-23
Question: Describe what you think Joseph’s brothers were feeling.
Years had passed since Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. And a lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. But one thing hasn’t changed. The brothers have not forgotten what they did. They are still living with the regret of having sold their brother into the hands of men they assumed had killed him. Years later, when something bad happens, their first thought is about Joseph and the mistake they made. Their mistake from the past was still haunting them, showing itself in their present.
It’s interesting how something that happened years ago rose so quickly to the surface, isn’t it? The brothers’ regret didn’t require a lot of prodding. There wasn’t an intense time of introspection. It was obviously close to the front of their minds, something that haunted them.
Joseph’s brothers were living with the fallout of regret. Your mistakes and my mistakes may not be as big, or as extreme, but we all live with regret to some degree. If given the chance, there are things we wish we would have done or not done. There are things we wish we would have said or not said. Some of those moments are as simple as not testing the “all you can eat” buffet to see how you much you can really eat. Some are more painful, like wishing you would have handled a relationship differently.
Slide 7: There are moments in each of our lives where we wish we could hit a rewind button and go back and do something differently.
None of us is exempt from regret; it is part of the human experience.
In its ugly form, regret allows the past to weigh down our present. It puts the heaviness of guilt on our shoulders. It dominates our thoughts and actions. It robs us of any joy. It shatters our confidence and turns us against ourselves. A life lived under the burden of regret is not a life lived as God desires.
Slide 8: A life lived under the burden of regret is not a life lived as God desires. Not dealing with the regret of your past is a sentence for regret in the present and even the future.
God wants us to be free from the past so that we can really live. Over the next few weeks we’ll talk more about how that happens, but before we can do that, we have to start here. We have to be willing to look our past in the face and confront it.
Question: How can regret from something in your past show up in your present situation?
The temptation will always be to cover up the things we regret—to laugh them off or act like they never happened. After all, nobody likes to dwell on the things that make us feel bad. But regret won’t stay hidden for long. It’s always working to express itself. For some of you, it’s always lying just below the surface.
So what is the moment in your life you wish you could “do over”? What is that one time that you wish you could go back and make a different choice? It doesn’t have to be big or dramatic—although for some of you, that may be your story. What is that one regret that lies close to the surface?
We all have regret. We all have things we wish we would have done or not done. We all have things we wish we would have said or not said.
Slide 9: If the reality is that regret will always be there, then the other reality is that we need to find a way to handle it.
We need to find a way so that it doesn’t haunt us, so it doesn’t linger. But it all starts with identifying what that regret is.
Question: What are ways that we tend to handle regret? What do you do when you start to feel sad or sorry about something?
Slide 10: It all starts with identifying what that regret is. So what’s yours?
Question: What are some regrets that you have been ignoring or covering up?
